Commence Testing

by LeeAnne on January 30, 2006

So here I am, wondering how I got here. How is it that in one week I will be managing a magazine? Obviously, there were purposeful steps. There was that crazy aggressive cover letter I wrote. There was that meeting with my editor in which I vowed to overcome my inexperience and prove I have what it takes. There was the agreement to take the reins during the transition as a trial run. There was my official training. And 10 pages of handwritten notes.

But it’s still so surreal.

In one week I will assume, essentially, my dream job. This is not one step up the ladder—this is like entering a warp zone, skipping levels 4 though 8, and finding yourself in the final battle. This is my ultimate career goal. Words cannot express how excited I am about this opportunity. Or how humbled I am that my supervisors believe in my ability. I tried to keep the news on the DL, saying to myself, “This could be only temporary. Don’t go telling everyone you know because then if you don’t get the job, you’ll have to go tell everyone you know.” But I’ve been so damn excited, I really have told everyone. An old friend from high school found me online this morning. I haven’t talked to the guy in 9 years, but I went ahead and told him, too. In many ways I’m confident I’ll do an admirable job, that in the end, I won’t have to write that embarrassing email to everyone I know.

But I also keep having what I call American Idol Idiot Moments. You know those people at the auditions who are such painfully terrible singers but who believe they’re genuinely talented? What if that’s me? What if I’m a fake. A facade. Sure, I’m a nice person. An organized person. A competent writer and editor. But what makes me think I can actually run a magazine? What if I have all the confidence in the world but can’t deliver?

This, I suppose, will be my test.

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